I am completely psycho. I've gone off the deep end. Totally lost it. She's gone mental!

Playing hooky from work is fun. Especially when the reason involves wine & cheese.

I feel like I haven't had a brother around lately. It's pretty painful. All I am is the person who brings him to school in the morning. I don't even get a thank you. I'm fairly certain I've never experienced this kind of hardship before. Usually, there's a whole bunch of b.s. I have to deal with internally & externally or whatever, but I always had my brother to talk to.. with whom I can joke around & laugh. But it hasn't been that way lately. It pretty much sucks when your home life isn't in equilibrium because it's supposed to be your refuge.. the place where you can be yourself & talk candidly with your family. But when it's in a funk like this, I feel like there's literally nowhere else to go. And I loathe this feeling.

I have a severe inferiority complex :(. No matter how hard I try, I will never totally fit in with them. Perhaps my self-esteem isn't as high as I thought it was.

warning: HEAVY SHIT.

I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. LIKE EVERY OTHER FEELING I'VE TRIED TO BURY, IT HAS FORCED ITSELF TO SURFACE AND NOW I'M BOILING WITH ANGER. YOU'RE A POSER. A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. YOU DENY THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE & COVER IT UP WITH, WELL, JUST FUCKING READ.

First of all, I can't stand your pompous attitude... your snarky remarks & fake proper etiquette. I hate the way you sit up straight when we're out to dinner & eat like you're fucking royalty. You're from the fucking suburbs, not 17th century England, so quit it. What makes me cringe the most is how you're so damn critical when someone is singing. "Her phrases are funny," "The strings in this song are horrible," "I don't like the way he sounds, but he has a good face, so he'll probably get stuff." I mean, how fucking judgmental is that? Has it ever occurred to you that you're not perfect? That not everyone thinks you're the best singer in the world? Just because you've never experienced negative criticism doesn't mean you're immune to it, or that it doesn't apply to you. And you say you've grown up a lot this year... become more independent. I say, ok, that's fine. But let me tell you, honey, you have a lot more to learn in the common sense department. Just because you can go out walking at 2 a.m. when you're away at school whenever you want & you brag about it doesn't make you independent or "mature." In my opinion, that makes you irresponsible & STUPID. Yes, I said stupid. Just because nothing bad has happened to you yet doesn't mean it won't happen if you keep it up with the reckless behavior. AND I HATE HOW FUCKING CONCEITED YOU ARE!!!!! "I have friends in Rhode Island and Chicago." "My house is like something out of a magazine!" I want to punch you in your pompous face every time you start bragging about shit. I wish you would quit acting like you're so fucking mature for your age, because you're not. I see right through your big words and half smiles. You're still 19. You're still a child, I don't care how much you try to deny it. STOP BEING SO MOTHERFUCKING FAKE.

I would never say these things to your face because it isn't worth it. You are a good person. In fact, you are one of my best friends & you know that. And it is for that reason that I keep my mouth shut whenever I witness the above behavior. But I am human, and if I don't get these feelings out somehow, I'm afraid I'm going to blow up in your face one day....... and it won't be pretty. I know how freaking sensitive you are. I'm just hoping that one day, you'll really grow up & quit being so damn fake all the time, especially when we're in public. Otherwise, you'll get what's coming to you.

oh man

I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've had a crush on someone who is four years YOUNGER than me. I've had crushes on older guys, but this one is YOUNG. omg, i'm a PEDOPHILE! i better distance myself before i get arrested. =X

I hate it when I get come back to this place. Not this place as in Blogger.com, but the part of me that I try to so hard to kill, but somehow always makes its way back to the surface. I can't even stay clean for a month.. it's like a fucking drug. When I feel it creeping up on me, I always ask myself, "Remember how dirty you felt? How ashamed you were?" It may feel good at the moment, but as soon as it's over, I hate it. I hate myself. And the worst part is that I can't tell anyone about it when it happens. That's the price you pay for living a "double life." I can't even tell my best friend and I trust her with my life. I know most people would say it's normal or that it isn't wrong or that it's nobody's business what I do behind closed doors, but it's different for me. I know it isn't normal and that it's wrong. It's like the harder I try to mortify the flesh, the harder I fall.. and I fall harder every time. I hate being in this place.