I hate it when I get come back to this place. Not this place as in Blogger.com, but the part of me that I try to so hard to kill, but somehow always makes its way back to the surface. I can't even stay clean for a month.. it's like a fucking drug. When I feel it creeping up on me, I always ask myself, "Remember how dirty you felt? How ashamed you were?" It may feel good at the moment, but as soon as it's over, I hate it. I hate myself. And the worst part is that I can't tell anyone about it when it happens. That's the price you pay for living a "double life." I can't even tell my best friend and I trust her with my life. I know most people would say it's normal or that it isn't wrong or that it's nobody's business what I do behind closed doors, but it's different for me. I know it isn't normal and that it's wrong. It's like the harder I try to mortify the flesh, the harder I fall.. and I fall harder every time. I hate being in this place.